This is your mother, get on the path and stay there!

After years of just serving on a worship team, and not doing much else for my church, I find myself with the time…and the energy to be involved in a Bible study class.  I’ve had many opportunities to do this before, and I used to do it a lot when I first became a Christ follower but as my children grew something happened along the way.  

While my children were still at home, I spent most of my time with thoughts of them, what they needed, what they wanted…should they want that… how to keep them living for Christ when I wasn’t breathing down their necks…etc.  It’s not that I didn’t read the bible or pray… because I did…I had too.  It’s more like I didn’t have the energy to share a study with … other people.  It’s like God gave me the opportunity to “control” how my children turned out but … I never really felt like I could control it. And I was consumed with that thought. 

If my children did “good” or behaved “morally” I felt “oh good…I got something right”.  But… if they behaved badly I felt…ugh…guilty… “what am I doing wrong?” At times (many times) I felt like I wasn’t doing the job God gave me, which was to raise holy children.  All my energy was spent doing this monumental duty.  “How do I guide them the right direction?” “How do I keep them from falling off the path?” and when they do fall off the path, “How do I help them get back on?”. Raising holy children.  It’s not something that can be done without God’s help that’s for sure.  On top of that I had a full time job outside the home… more guilt.  I didn’t understand how others could do all that they did…I still don’t, but I knew I couldn’t.  Looking back… I can’t point to any one thing I did that I knew was right… except … pray, pray, pray… and then pray some more.  I prayed for smooth paths, or rough paths. I prayed for hedges of protection from others and … from themselves.  I prayed that when they did something wrong that they would get caught.  And I mean when, because "All have sinned" why would I think my kids were different?  I also prayed for strength to keep wanting them to get caught…which got harder and harder the older they got.  Was it enough?  I pray that it was because now ….I’m done. 

I am proud of my children… they are doing awesome!  I am relieved and terrified to not be in “control” of their future anymore though.  Now their good and their bad is between them and God.  I’m not part of the equation… I still give bits of advice now and then but I’m on the outside of them now.    So consequently… I find myself with a bit more energy.  I have taken up learning the piano …again, and a Sunday Bible study class called Walk With Me.  It’s been along time since I’ve been in a classroom … I hope I can remember how to study.*wink*     

I Have An Empty Nest

I have an empty nest. Though 5 years apart in age my two girls have left the state to go to college with each other together. Our house has NEVER been this empty. It has never been just Rodger and me... even after we were first married.

We spent our wedding night in the hospital because Rodger had a kidney stone attack on the day of the wedding.  He bravely made it through the ceremony but we ended up taking the limo to the hospital.  The next week was spent at a friends house and then we soon ended up moving in with my parents in Washington state.  My oldest daughter was born while we were there.  When she was a year old we moved back to California and lived with my brother and his wife for a bit.    A short while later we moved next door to Rodger's mom and a little while after that she moved in with us. Then our youngest was born.

Rodger and I have never lived alone with just each other before...now.

When the kids were young, Rodger and I took a weekend trip to the Redwoods.  We camped out in a borrowed tent trailer and took a day trip from the campground to the coast.  It was just us... I told Rodger then that I felt like... well... like a kid.  We did silly things... like chase little hermit crabs that were stranded in shallow tide pools. We weren't mean to them...we just kind of made them run around.  We looked for shells and skipped rocks.  We went to Glass Beach and sat for hours, playing with the smooth glass beads on the beach or digging in the sand to find long buried treasures that were more junk then treasure.   When we walked along the trails back at the Redwoods we stopped and read each and every tourist info sign at each of the points of interest without hurrying.  It was cold and we didn't worry about catching a cold. We skipped meals or ate really late... laid around in bed when we first woke up instead of getting up and starting the day. We weren't concerned with nutrition or vitamins,  or about staying up too late or anything... that a responsible PARENT person would be.  Do you know what I mean?  

 

During that short weekend years ago we experienced the together time...the getting to know each other as a married couple time... that we had missed when we first got married.   It's not like we forgot about our kids, or wished we weren't parents.. Not at all!   But it was different... we were revealing other layers of ourselves to each other. Persona's of ourselves that we almost forgot were there. Those aspects of our personality we had covered up with the "parent" personality.

We love our girls. They are all grown up.  They're doing great. They are both happy and... busy.  I was sure we would be talking or Skyping with them everyday... but it's not happening like I thought.  And... it's OK.   Now Rodg and I are back in that place again ...except this time we have more then a weekend.  I wonder what surprises await us.